Monday, May 8, 2017

P.P.D



Today I am going to write about a very personal subject. I will be discussing my experience with P.P.D, also known as Postpartum Depression. I am not an expert on the subject but I do still suffer from it. I've had  P.PD. with all three of my kids. It is something that at first I had no idea I had.
Here is my small write up explaining some of my situations, feelings, and solutions for P.P.D.



After my oldest son Liam, was born I started feeling extremely overwhelmed. I was playing a new role in my life and for the first time in a long time I was not working and was responsible for a little human. I was alone all day with my son because my husband worked long hours and almost every day. My hubby had to go back to work almost 2 weeks after Liam was born.  I hated being alone, but when I knew I was going to have visitors I would get this feeling of nervousness and feeling shortness of breath and I wanted to run out. I would spend all day wanting to cry, feeling like I couldn't catch my breath and the air I was breathing felt like it wasn't enough. I was so confused and felt alone. How horrible was I? How could I feel all these things when my wonderful baby was such an amazing newborn. He didn't cry much, he latched on right away, he hardly ever kept us up at night. I was so confused. Having a baby is suppose to be best feeling in the world, it's such a gift. Why would I want to cry and run out? It took a few months for me to go see my regular doctor and I explained everything I was feeling. I wasn't prescribed anything because I was nursing my son and did not want to stop. So, she suggested I exercise, ask my family for help, join mommy and me groups. She also said if it got worst to go back and she would prescribe something.Since I did not want to stop nursing I took matters into my own hands. I decided to try the advice the doctor gave me, I started by taking Liam for walks around the mall, I would visit my parents more often, I even joined the gym and decided an hour or less was more than enough to keep me sane. I also started drinking more teas and less caffeine. Linden Flower tea really helped me. It's a natural relaxer and it's suppose to help with anxiety. Chamomile tea was also a major staple in our household. Little by little it started getting better. I also had play dates with my sister and friend who were also a stay at home moms. We would take the kids to the park and go for walks, talk about what the kids did or new things in our lives. This helped a lot. It didn't disappear completely, but it did help.
 Exactly a year after my son was born I was pregnant with our second son, Logan. We were so excited because we wanted our kids to be close in age. My first pregnancy was pretty good and this second one was the same way. I never had any major problems. I was extremely active and would take Liam everywhere during my pregnancy. Once Logan was born I experience P.P.D again. Logan, like Liam was also a good newborn. He hardly ever kept us up at night, he was only cranky when he was hungry. My hubby took a month off to stay home with us. Him being around eased my anxiety  a bit, since he helped with Liam a lot. Once my hubby went back to work, it got even worst. I hated being alone, but I would stress and feel overwhelmed when I knew someone was coming over. The thought of going out with both kids made me want to cry. I knew I needed help, and I wanted people to come over, but knowing they were actually coming gave me the worst anxiety, I know a total contradiction of feelings. Imagine how horrible I felt having these feelings even when it was my own mother, a mother that helped me in every way she could. P.P.D was a little more difficult this time because I had Liam who still needed mommy around all the time and sharing my time with both was a little hard. I decided to be pro active and not let P.P.D take over my life.  I started going to my parents house again, my sister would come over with her son who is Liam's age. We would take them to the zoo, or other places, have play dates at our house or grandmas house. Sometimes I was alone, so I decided to try to do stuff on my own.  I remember the first time I went to the zoo by myself, I was so scared because Logan was still nursing every 3 hours. I was getting anxiety thinking about the moment I had to nurse him because Liam could run off and then what would I do? We stopped at a bench, I was shaky and nervous, I explained to Liam he needed to stay next to me and not run off. I gave him a snack and started nursing Logan, to my surprise Liam did not wander around or run off. He sat next to me the whole time. It was like if he knew I wouldn't be able to catch him. Those outings were a success. I decided to take my first grocery run with both kids. Logan was about 6 months, everything was going fine until I got to the car with the groceries. As I was opening the car Liam decided to stand up and jump out and took the whole shopping cart with him. There it was, my nightmare staring right at me. The shopping cart flipped with both kids inside. I flipped it back got both kids in the car and locked myself in. I immediately started crying. I couldn't help it. I felt like a total failure, I couldn't even go to the grocery store with my own kids. It was such a horrible helpless feeling. I called my hubby and told him my experience, I think I even took it out on him. That really affected me but I decided it couldn't stop me. So I continue going to my usual outings. Going out, exercising, being social did help. Since going to the gym was going to be a bit more difficult,  my husband bought me exercise equipment for our home and I started exercising during their nap time. It helped a lot that their midday nap was at the same time. I was able to have at least 2 hours of me time.
Sixteen months after having Logan, I was pregnant with our daughter Chloe. Again, both of my previous pregnancies were pretty normal and this one was pretty normal too, with the exception of two things. One, was I had horrible morning sickness and second, I had to have a few hours of bed rest during the day. Other than that I kept being active and would go visit my parents, have play dates with my sister,  take the kids to the zoo, aquarium, the farm, etc. Once Chloe was born the same feelings started again, but this time even worst. I felt overwhelmed, tired, sad, angry, and depressed. I knew it was starting again and I didn't want to fall in the same rut again. My husband stayed home to help for a month and he was amazing. He would do as much as he could cooking wise, take care of the boys and pick up around the house. My mom, sister, and sister in law were also amazing. They would bring food over so we didn't have to cook. Exactly a month after having Chloe we decided to go to a get together at my sister in laws house, and while my husband was driving I felt I couldn't breathe, I wanted to cry, and I wanted to literally jump out of the car. I tried to psych myself up thinking I would be fine, but it got worst. We got there early so I could prepare myself, but as more people started showing up the feelings got worst and I started to panic and I broke down and cried. Yes, I cried at a birthday party, I was so embarrassed. My husband had already warned my sister in laws and his mom of my situation. As soon as my hubby saw me crying he got up and said lets go. He didn't make me feel bad, he was so supportive and calm, I on the other hand felt extremely embarrassed. I don't know how to explain the feelings of P.P.D other than they're uncontrollable. The same feeling came over me when we were driving to my parents house. I love spending time with my parents but the drives over to their house would send my anxiety through the roof. Imagine wanting to go visit loved ones but then on the drive wanting to cry and jump out of the car. I remember clutching the seat belt and arm rest so hard because I literally wanted to open the door and jump out.  For the first month or two I wouldn't even drive. I would only go out if my husband was driving me and helping me. Our daughter is now 9 months old and I still suffer from anxiety, it's not as bad as it was, but it's definitely still there.
Every persons experience is different, and this is my personal experience with P.P.D. For me, it meant feeling: nervous, overwhelmed, sad, tired, moody, and depressed. It gave me shortness of breath, anxiety, and extreme tiredness. I know a women's body goes through a lot in order to create a human, and trust me, I consider myself extremely lucky to have the experience of being pregnant and being a mother. I don't take it for granted, and I kind of feel guilty writing this, but I wanted to share it with other women who might be going through the same thing. My close family and friends know about this, and have been supportive, and I am so thankful for that. So I wanted to share this with other women to let them know they're not alone, to be proactive about it, any positive step makes a difference. I am not big on taking medications, so finding the natural option and balance was a must for me. Finding time for my beauty routine, arranging fresh flowers,  along with hubby time, family time, and the teas, it has all really helped me. Don't get me wrong I still have my off days, where I curl in a ball and cry, specially right now. Thinking about posting this very personal and raw blog. It's making me really anxious, but I feel I must.
I hope I didn't ramble on for too long.  If this helps just one person, I will feel extremely proud. This is just a glimpse of what I experience on a daily basis.  Thank you for visiting and hearing my personal experience with P.P.D. If you have comments questions please feel free to comment below or contact me. Till next time. 💕

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